The Few. The Proud. The Uneasy.

If for no other reason, George Bush should end the war in Iraq just to simply spare one group of people indescribable discomfort: Phone Recruiters for the armed forces. They try so hard, yet imagine their success rate. It has to be next to nothing. There's no way it can be cost effective. Anyone who would potentially join the army would have done so by now. They're not going to change their life plans based on a phone call discussing an option they've unavoidably already been confronted with.

You see, recently I received such a phone call, a whole year after I've already begun college and turned down the enticing option of accelerating my life at least three such times before. As soon as I figured out who it was my goal was to end the conversation as quickly, yet politely, as possible. I tried to do everything I could for the guy short of actually signing up for basic training, though I'm guessing it's really kinda an all or nothing type thing for them. He seemed friendly enough, and less bone-headed cool macho then the other soldiers I've talked to which made it all the worse. I played along, answering all his questions but tactfully declined his offer to let him engage me in a pushup competition and give me key chains in exchange for my future and personal values. I like to let 'em down easy.

I figure, this job cannot be a cake-walk, you would see no results and get zero sense of accomplishment from it. And even though I don't plan on making the same commitments these guys have made, that doesn't mean I can't respect them. I just imagine what it must be like when they accidentally get Michael Moore's nephew on the phone ripping apart their life's defining decisions. So, I put on my most cheerful voice, and hope that giving them 15 seconds of hope by way of a cheery demeanor isn't more cruel then stomping all over their egos.

It must be difficult having a job where you have nearly no control of the figures your performance is judged by. One has to respect them for their dedication (Here's to you as well, Tal, Garrett, and Johnson). I can't say I've ever talked to one of these guys about it, but they've gotta be desperate if they're calling people for the fourth and fifth times. Not ten minutes after my phone call this summer, the phone rang again and my dad picked up. I hear him confirm his name, then repeat his college major just as I had done in my previous phone call. My jaw dropped, was my 47 year old dad actually being recruited for the Army? It turns out it was just his alma mater's alumni association asking for a donation (at least the soldiers believe in the product they're hawking). Regardless though, the fact that I could almost believe such a thing says a little more than just that I'm gullible. (satire alert!) Give these guys a break, maybe we can have some sort of program where we turn illegal immigrants into soldiers or something, they used to do that with black people in the Revolutionary War didn't they? If they want to be a part of this country so much, let 'em earn it! And besides, if we can believe Larry the Cable Guy, Mexico and Iraq are pretty much the same place so they should be quite accustomed to the terrain.