Tall Tales

There are positives and negatives to virtually everything in this world, and one's height is no exception. As someone blessed with placing around the 95th percentile of male stature, I will say that most of the time being tall is a pretty nice trait. But it is an acquired taste to be certain, and it doesn't come without its challenges.

Pro: Everyone assumes you're good at basketball.

This is fun as long as you don't have to go near a basketball court, or in the event you are actually good at basketball.

Con: Everyone assumes you're good at basketball.

So then when you have to actually play everyone is disappointed if you're not a stud. People forget height is just something that enables good basketball players to compete at the highest levels, not a factor that automatically provides you with a 30 inch vertical and stellar court vision. (Of course there are rare exceptions to this rule like Shawn Bradley, who was pretty terrible and yet still had a lengthy NBA career just because he was 7'6''.) The only thing I was ever kind of above average at was blocking shots - a skill solely the result of my height, and which I should have been even better at but was not due to my awful awful vertical.


Pro: Studies have shown girls prefer taller dudes - and will even often still desire them over short dudes despite vast shortcomings in wealth and stability relative to the smaller men.

In my experience this is sort of like basketball. Being tall in and of itself doesn't earn you a darn thing; I'd call it more like a nice starting point. It's almost not even really a "Pro"; it's just nice to know there's one less thing you have to worry about, like I've overcome a first barrier to entry while I know friends of mine who are more vertically challenged feel like they have something to compensate for or that they just have to totally rule out their chances with girls above a certain height - that whole "Napoleon complex". And obviously that's silly of them anyway, this clearly isn't a universal sentiment held by the female population, I'm sure there are some women who actually prefer smaller guys, so why would you not even try? Personality, interests, looks, unsurprisingly those are the elements that really matter (and thank heavens for that; if society was so vapid that height was a key determinant in all relationships that would be a little upsetting).

Con: Taller girls can be intimidating to lots of guys.

I've never seen a study on this as I have about the former bullet point, but just know it to be an issue from personal knowledge. I have some significantly shorter friends who actually have said they don't think they could date a girl who was taller than them, mainly because it would feel emasculating (though one of these friends is now in fact doing just that, so clearly this can be overcome). I don't think I've ever personally met any girl I was attracted to who was taller than me (there aren't that many period), so it's never been something I've encountered, but I do think it would make me feel like I was innately lacking somehow (silly cultural-normative gender roles).

I also have one female friend who is just an inch or so shorter than me and she would often lament the fact that she was so tall. I failed to sway her opinion that it was overall a positive thing (she was unimpressed by my conjecture that it would be easier for people like us to rescue kittens from trees), and after describing her own experiences she made me realize just how much of an issue it can be for girls. Even for guys, I think there's a point where the height could feel like it was too much; if I were much taller I think I would almost feel like I was abnormal, "freakishly tall" or something.


Pro: Things are easier to reach.

This is the most obvious and practical of points, but still needs to be touched on as it's probably the best benefit to being tall. I have to exert very little effort to reach things in stores, in cabinets, in sports, in decorating, in cleaning, you get the idea - it comes up a lot. It's nice having a built-in advantage in this regard, and seeing other people struggle makes me appreciate it more. This goes even further in terms of viewing things. I rarely have to worry about getting a bad seat in a theater, it's easy to spot or be spotted in a crowd (though I guess for introverts and secret agents this might be a Con), and unlike my 4'11' grandma (the genes must have come from the other 3/4) I don't have trouble seeing over the dashboard.

Con: Everyone knows things are easier for you to reach.

As a certain uncle once proclaimed, with great power comes great responsibility. As that translates here, simply put: When you are tall, shorter people ask for favors. In actuality it's not that bad, in fact it's probably a 'pro' most of the time. I usually enjoy being able to lend a hand, like to little old ladies in grocery stores. It helps me feel momentarily valuable and feels good to know I made their day easier (perhaps my Boy Scout "Do a good turn daily" roots kicking in). Once, when a pair of my female friends came squealing down the hall, asking me to kill a spider in their dorm room that they were both too short and too afraid to confront, it even helped me feel a bit macho. That said, sometimes it's kind of a drag. Like if you're worn out or in a bad mood, or when every short teacher or professor calls you up to the front of the auditorium every time they need to pull down the projector screen or wall map - but it's more just an occasional annoyance.


Pro: There are actually scholarships for tall people.

Senior year of high school every student was given a packet full of various college scholarships we could apply for. The advisors told us beforehand there would be all sorts of weird ultra specific awards, but I was still surprised at the variety. I think there may have even been another one for people with big noses. I didn't actually apply for the tall person one, though I did meet their height requirement. I considered it, but I think they were only giving out one for the whole state, and it would be based on an essay we wrote about what being tall meant to us and how we used our gift to better society or something like that. Given that I didn't really define myself by my height at all, or have any plans to bestow gifts upon my fellow man like some benevolent giant, I felt like my chances at writing a successful essay were low. Further, even if I did win I would feel kind of dishonest being the standard bearer for an organization I didn't really care about and thought, quite frankly, was a little weird. Still it's kind of fun that it exists, and clearly some tall people must benefit from it.

Con: In soccer, excessive height is generally considered a liability.

Oh sure there are some parts where height comes in handy, like headers and... headers. In many aspects of the game though, being small is advantageous (of course I'd pick one of the few mainstream sports where height is largely nullified as my game of choice). Primarily because it's so much easier to dribble and make cuts with the ball when your legs are shorter, you have a better turning radius and a lower center of gravity. Just look at the superstars of the game: Maradonna is 5'5'', Messi is 5'6'', Landon Donovan is 5'7'', Pele is 5'9''. (Peter Crouch is just the gangly exception that proves the rule). I think this is one of the reasons I was always more of a defender: even when seemingly beaten by an opponent, my long legs could reach back and poke the ball away.


Pro: For the sake of symmetry, I need to come up with another pro. Um... it's harder to drown because you can touch the bottom of the pool? Nailed it.

Con: Much of civilization's infrastructure simply isn't designed for the tall.

This is far and away the most irksome part about being tall. It's gradually improving as humanity at large is growing, but not nearly fast enough for those of us around today.

Whenever on any non-international flight, it's one of the most uncomfortable experiences one can conceive, particularly if the plane is full. On trans-oceanic flights the airlines at least have the courtesy to even provide ample leg room for the coach passengers, but not so if you're flying domestic. Sitting in regular upright position, my knees already are pressed against the seat in front of me. If, heaven forbid, the person in front decides to lean their chair back after we've reached cruising altitude, calamity ensues. I have to splay my legs apart so they straddle the chair and then sit their squatting like a major league catcher for the rest of the flight. If there are people on either side of me though, especially large people, even this isn't an option as their thighs are already encroaching on my bubble.

Couches and beds are frequent obstacles as well. For the entirety of my term living in the dorms, my feet would dangle off the edge of the mattresses. Whenever I stay with my brother or my grandma, even if I'm the only one there, I usually end up sleeping on the ground instead of the couch because sleeping on the couch requires tucking my legs up into a half cannon-ball position.

And don't get me started on shower-heads. Three out of the four years of college (the two years in the dorms, and senior year when we lived in a house built in 1900) the shower head was significantly too short for me to use. During the worst year, the stream of water would hit me, when tilted up as far as possible with maximum water pressure, just below that bone at the back of the neck. I love showers, they are the reason I'm able to motivate myself out of bed most mornings, I find them both incredibly relaxing and rejuvenating, so for me this was a pretty big deal. I had to lean back like I was doing the limbo, bracing myself so I didn't fall over, just to wash my hair each and every day. (And living in houses built in the early 20th century also requires frequent ducking. The entire length of the stairwells were all too short by about 6 inches, so after smoking my head a half-dozen times in the first few weeks, I generally scampered up the steps on all fours, and I truly could not stand up in one basement, it was only six feet tall.)

Finally, there's the matter of clothing. It can be a challenge to find size appropriate apparel, just ask Igor. My problem in this regard is more specific to me personally however, because in addition to being pretty tall, I'm also disproportionately scrawny. I took a free skin-caliper BMI test administered by my college a couple years ago, and I literally tested off the charts; I was below the 99th percentile they had listed for my height. Shirts aren't so bad, but it's the pants that get me. My mom has told me any time she sees a pair of pants that fit me in a store she buys them and saves them for a gift because they're so difficult to locate, and I end up wearing the same pants for years and years. I have gone through stacks upon stacks of pants before at stores without seeing a single one in my size. Any pair that fits me length-wise is far too wide at the waist. Clearly my demographic is being under-served, there are dozens of us! I'll start a new line of clothing, it'll be called "Big and/or Tall."

In summary then, I truly am glad to be among the taller people in the world, there are a lot of nice perks, but to the rest of you out there, just know you've got plenty to be grateful for as well. And until next time my lanky-legged brethren, keep your noses clean, literally, because most people can see up them.