The Treatise of My Life

First of all, don't be fooled by that title, I promise this isn't going to be nearly as epic (or arrogant) as that sounds. However, it occurred to me, that perhaps it would be beneficial to do one of those posts trying to summarize what all I learned in college, how I've grown and all that. While it seems sort of fun, it's also threatens to be a retread of many things I've written before (seriously, what isn't now after four plus years?), and besides that, I feel like there's a lot more than that that I want to say. I don't know what yet, but I can feel it trying to burst out, and that's usually a good sign, but we'll see where this goes. It kind of feels like I want to write about... everything. What I believe in, what I love. There's so much beauty, and so much sadness, tears and laughter both always seem to be just below the surface for me these days.

I wish I could have found time to do this before graduation (and I did try, but time is a hasty mistress), for I think it would have helped me appreciate all the pomp and circumstance around the ceremony much more than I did, rather than just having it pop up in the middle of a hectic schedule as one more hurdle to overcome. That opportunity has passed though.

Und jetzt, college in under 2000 words.

When I look back at college, what stands out? How have I changed? Have I even changed? One thing is for sure. I miss freshman year. Thinking about it makes me sickeningly nostalgic, almost as much as for senior year of high school. It was so exciting. I made so many new friends and yet still kept in touch with all my old ones on a ridiculously regular basis. When I don't see or talk to them all the time now it's easy to forget just how many there were, and just how close we were. Going through facebook photos, or even the contacts in my phone, the memories come rushing back. I was so sure we were all going to be so close for ever. But... the world doesn't allow for that. School work forces ignoring such a social Eden, and at best most visits get relegated to a party once or twice a semester. That's what I regret most, not making time to keep up with all those relationships. There were always so many people around back then that it never ever got old. Sure, it wasn't the best for my grades, but it was such an adventure, and what's college without one year of playing Halo with your floormates til 2 AM almost every day?

For so many of these people it is quite possible, even likely, that I'll never see them again. And while that thought had crossed my mind, I didn't really permit myself the time to meditate on that and act and feel accordingly as I saw many of these people in my waning days of college. At the end of high school I did go through a series of protracted emotional goodbyes, and those were for people I knew I'd see again. This time around though, I think I realized that I just don't have the time or the emotional fortitude to do that with everyone in college. Maybe I'll slip in a few good ones, where I actually let the person know what they mean to me, and authentically wish them well and bid them adieu, but for the rest, I guess, I'll just have to hope they figure it out. And realizing this, I'm not offended if some one doesn't offer me their own sentimental parting; they're probably going through the same thing as me and don't need to spell out exactly what our relationship is, it can go without saying sometimes. Once more, if I had more time, sure I'd do it, but time, time, time, is continually preventing such ideals.

Sophomore through senior years were memorable too, but my social circle contracted considerably, more or less to the same base set of people I still live with now, and my schedule became much more of a routine. Instead of gathering up half the floor to go play snow football on the river bank, most weekends consisted of simply watching movies or going out to eat with my roomies.

New Zealand was a whole other story. I absolutely loved my friends there and for three and a half weeks I've hardly felt closer to a group of people. Upon return though, the fracturing of our group only strengthened my belief that geographic location is probably the biggest determinant in the success of relationships. We went our separate ways and now I haven't seen half of them in over a year. We promised we'd keep in touch, but the combination of time and distance whittles away all but the strongest of ties. It happens I suppose, but I hate that it's made it actually painful to look back and reflect on what should be an amazing set of memories. This was part of the same reason so many of us lost contact after freshman year. While most everyone is still around campus, it's a lot harder, both socially and logistically, to hang out with someone when they live across campus rather than down the hall; you need to make real plans rather than just casually stop by. And people ask me why Geography is a relevant field of study.

But moving on though, seriously, what exactly did I learn in college? I've been skirting that so far. Well, I'm more independent, and I've slowly been conquering most of my fears about the real world. That's probably the biggest thing, though I'm still pretty shy when meeting new people. Tied to that independence though, I actually have become a lot more responsible and am able to handle my time much better too; in high school I still always got my work done, but at one point my procrastinating via AIM and TV was so bad my goal was to start my homework by 2 AM and go to bed before the sun began to rise. In college I actually was fortunate enough to average around five or five and a half hours of sleep per night, mainly because I realized I was going to absolutely screw myself if I kept up those bad habits (and living in a dorm room without a TV certainly helped). Now if I have some task at hand, unless I'm particularly tired or the task is particularly challenging, I usually try and do it as soon as I can so my free time is actually spent guilt free. It's a wonderful feeling.

I also had a fairly significant and extended life crisis freshman year. It would keep me up at night for months. I more or less reevaluated and (re)established everything I believe in. Thankfully I've passed through that fire and now I feel settled, confident, inspired, and much more appreciative and sensitive to all the wonderful and terrible things in this world. Seriously, there is so much happiness out there if you just look, but the ugly parts can't be ignored either, for they're even more abundant. To be honest, my overall outlook on life hasn't changed all that much over the past four years, it's just become a little firmer as I've learned more. I might be a bit more cynical than when I came in, but not much, scrutinizing might be a more appropriate adjective. Some people might think it's bad that I haven't changed all that much, but I'm not too worried, I was pretty happy with the person I was exiting high school.

But what about in my classes? What'd I pick up there. Let's see... I can navigate my way through academic readings a little better. My ability to research and write has marginally improved. I've picked up a limited amount of technical skills and understanding of map production. I can comprehend better how pretty much everything is connected. I have a considerably greater understanding of politics. And finally, I've come to believe that the majority of the Cinema and Media theory professors are, to a greater or lesser degree, full of it.

Well, that's something I guess. Was college worth it though? With the academics, combined with the social experiences, soul-searching, and life skills I picked up, I'd say yes (Though getting a job would certainly help reinforce that notion). Things could be so much better here though, and there's so much I think I missed out on. Oh yeah, I've got regrets, I just hope that down the road I can create a fulfilling enough life that looking back, the regrets don't overshadow that beauty. When I boil it all down it was certainly no Century, I'd give it a B-, maybe a B on a good day (because if college has taught me anything it's that short, consumable, superficial synopses are the best way to evaluate something, and also, that using parentheses is a lot of fun).