Thine Path Doth Endeth

Merry Pilgrims, fool-hardy prating knaves, and all those from Gloucestershire to Edinburgh, the end hath come. A mere 487 days after I was to have finished it for English, I have completed the reading of Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales. Yes, that same dastardly novel I'm seen reading in the original filming of The Toaster, desperately trying to conquer its pages before it's due two days later. Lotta good that did.

In my term as a human, there have been but three works of literature I have not completed by the teacher prescribed date. The first, Frankenstein, I finished about two weeks after the deadline. The second, is going to be a bit of a problem, as I have no desire to attempt absorbing anymore of Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. Besides, I can always just pop in my copy of the Ghetto Edition VHS and watch the story portrayed just as Hawthorne intended, by Trent in a dinosaur costume. (Update 1/15/2010: on 12/22/2009 I finally finished The Scarlet Letter, roughly 2260 days after it was supposed to be finished for class. It was required for my American Lit I class in college and though I didn't finish it on time for that class either, I found it was easier (and more enjoyable!) to read with my increased vocabulary and comprehension and was determined to finish it, and postponed the commencement of my winter break a few hours by doing so, in order to sell the anthology back to the bookstore before leaving campus). The third, naturally was Chaucer and his Tales of Canterbury. As a memento to this momentous occasion, in my vanquishing of one more shred of guilt in the back of my mind, I shall now share the lessons I learned from the collection.

The Knight's Tale: From this, I've learned that one should be specific when praying to the Roman Gods, otherwise, the Gods will just have to interpret as they see fit.

The Miller's Tale: If someone holds jealousy in their hearts, it's ok to mercilessly taunt them when their wife's cheating on them and they break their arm.

The Reeve's Tale: Don't steal, for if you do, you'll surely be cuckolded in return.

The Man of Law's Tale: If you swear falsely on the Bible, your eyes will pop.

The Shipman's Tale: Prostitution isn't really prostitution if it pays a debt.

The Prioress' Tale: OK, well this one's essentially Anti-Semitic, so if I try and make a joke here I'm going to have a lot of people very displeased with me.

The Tale of Sir Topaz: Middle English romances blow.

The Tale of Melibee: Middle English romances can get even worse.

The Monk's Tale: When you repeat the same single principle over and over for 25 freakin' pages it kinda loses its value, it's what we call being redundant.

The Nun-Priest's Tale: Roosters are just as entitled to their share of fear as chickens.

(also - wait a sec - is this where Rock-A-Doodle came from?!)

The Physician's Tale: I love the in-context wording of this one, but still think it doesn't apply a whole lot to real life-"The handsome gifts that fate and nature lend us, are often those that least befriend us"-Basically, being hot does more harm than good.

The Pardoner's Tale: People are worth more than money. (Maybe I should reconsider that whole "slave trade" operation of mine)

The Wife of Bath's Tale: Prologues really can be longer than the stories they precede, and also, women crave power, so be on the lookout men.

The Friar's Tale: Don't mess with Satan.

The Summoner's Tale: A good fart is still the ultimate form of revenge.

The Clerk's Tale: Women, love your husbands, even if they pretend to kill your children and keep them hidden for ten years just to test your faithfulness.

The Merchant's Tale: Listen to the guy named Placebo, marry for love.

The Squire's Tale: It's hard to take a lesson from a story that doesn't have an ending, unless this is a lesson in itself, perhaps... Stories should have endings?

The Franklin's Tale: Don't make outlandish bargains, because anything is possible with magic in the hands of the immoral.

The Second Nun's Tale: There were a few uncorrupted popes before John Paul II. As well, never denounce your own faith.

The Canon's Yeoman's Tale: Beware the lucrative promises of alchemy.

The Manciple's Tale: Talk as little as possible, for the tongue is the devil's tool!

Chaucer's Retractions: If you write something naughty and claim that someone else just told it to you and had you write it down, you're truly guiltless.

And so ends my jolly procession with the manciples and the blackguards of the Middle Ages. Amen!